Received in e-mail this morning:
THOUGHTS TO PONDER.....
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."
THOUGHTS TO PONDER.....
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."
LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra
class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still
be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken
to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,‘No change yet.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper
spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra
class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still
be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken
to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,‘No change yet.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper
spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here."
Last edited by pramsey on Fri Sep 24, 2010 11:08 am; edited 1 time in total
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here."
Last edited by pramsey on Fri Sep 24, 2010 11:08 am; edited 1 time in total
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Will Rogers had it figured out:
-Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-Always drink upstream from the herd.
-If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
-There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
-Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
-We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
-Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-Always drink upstream from the herd.
-If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
-There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
-Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
-We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
In 2011, we'll have both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.
As Air America Radio pointed out: "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."
As Air America Radio pointed out: "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."
If you can't afford a doctor,
Go to an airport,
You'll get the following at absolutely no cost to you:
an x-ray,
a breast exam, and;
if you mention Al Qaeda,
you'll get a FREE colonoscopy.
A random selected few my even get international celebrity status.
Isn't Obama Care great?
Go to an airport,
You'll get the following at absolutely no cost to you:
an x-ray,
a breast exam, and;
if you mention Al Qaeda,
you'll get a FREE colonoscopy.
A random selected few my even get international celebrity status.
Isn't Obama Care great?
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. " "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chips & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say,"It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Obama approach of giving you something s^&*y for free, and then making you pay to get the s^&*y taste out of your mouth."
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. " "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chips & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say,"It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Obama approach of giving you something s^&*y for free, and then making you pay to get the s^&*y taste out of your mouth."
